Guilt is a horrid emotion.
At times it can be helpful – it can show us the error of our ways and help us to become better people. It can give us the chance to reflect on our behaviour and work out what we can do to improve the way we deal with situations in future.
However, sometimes guilt can become all too-consuming.
Even writing this blog post and bringing up the topic of depression makes me feel guilty. I don’t want people to think this post is self-indulgent. I feel guilty for even wanting to share this with people. Why?
One ‘symptom’ of depression is excessive guilt. And, oh boy, is this a symptom I suffer with acutely. Every day I feel guilty even for the smallest possible reason.
I constantly feel as if I’ve done something hideously wrong and should be incredibly guilty for doing so. A prime example was not being able to go to the cinema on Thursday evening as I felt unwell. I was going to the cinema on my own to see Pitch Perfect 2 (which I’m GUTTED I missed) so had no-one to let down, yet I felt guilty because I’d already booked my seat and couldn’t use it. On Saturday I was due to work but felt horrible and felt immensely guilty the whole day long (and even cried) for not feeling well enough to go to work. WHY?!
I’m allowed to be ill from time to time, I’m allowed to feel under the weather…other people do, so why can’t I?
And, more importantly, why can’t I do these things without feeling immense guilt afterwards?
I feel guilt that I’m not always happy, guilt that I sometimes get things wrong, guilt that I’m mentally ill.
I find it so hard to deal with these feelings – I try and brush them away, work them through in my head and remind myself that I have no reason to feel guilt, yet, if I just briefly happen to think of a moment, I feel sick to my tummy and the feelings of guilt overwhelm me again.
Sometimes I think I need to be a heard-hearted bitch. Maybe if I cared less about people and their feelings then I wouldn’t feel guilty all the time. But, I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to be able to care about people but manage to be in a position where I don’t feel constant guilt.
Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this?
Have you ever been in a position where you’ve dealt with similar feelings and how you’ve managed to overcome them?